one foot in front of the other – news on the publishing front

Like everything else, this post – as rambling as this one is – has its own soundtrack. 

“We’ll have the days we break,
And we’ll have the scars to prove it,
We’ll have the bonds that we save,
But we’ll have the heart not to lose it.”

-/-

I’ve been twiddling my fingers for weeks now, trying to come to terms with all that has happened, to tell you all without shame or embarrassment, bracing myself for the judgments and silent “I told you so’s.” A large part of me knows I will never get to that point, not until I have closure which may or may not come. I have been going back and forth about how to approach this and move on but if I don’t do it now, I don’t think I ever will.

Long story short: The publishing company that I had signed with is no more. Due to creative differences, the owner decided to dissolve the entire company, leaving myself and many other talented writers in the lurch. A Deathly Compromise is now, once again, without a home.

I’m profoundly heartbroken about this. It’s been ages since I’ve written anything. I go through cycles of depression, anticipation, hopelessness, confidence in the future, hiding under a blanket. Rinse and repeat. So what needs to happen when you’re stuck in a loop? You need a direction to get out. I haven’t quite found my path yet but these are the answers I do have.

Will the current edition of ADC still be available to purchase?
-Yes. It is still available via E-book and I’m working out a solution to still have hard copies.

Will ADC be re-released if/when it finds a new home?
-Hopefully, yes. At this moment in time, it’s hard for me to stomach a third release of the same book. I don’t want to come across as a one-trick pony. I have a lot of ideas in the works that I want to put out in the world but at the same time, I believe that ADC should get the release and attention it rightfully deserves.

Is this the end of ADC forever? Don’t leave us hanging, you jerk.
-No way. Dee (and ADC) is as much a part of me as my heart or lungs. It’s my first baby and one that I never intend on giving up. I’m slowly, but surely, working on the sequel and hope to have it out in the near future. I’ve already started the playlist and once that happens, there’s no stopping it. 🙂

What’s next?
-Well, I’m taking a break to gather my wits and figure out how to move forward. I’m working on a collab project with a bomb ass talented friend of mine and I have an idea or two that I’m fleshing out for a next book, as well as ADC2. For right now, I’m just getting organized and enjoying time with my newborn daughter while trying not to drown in spit up.

What can I do to help?
– Spread the word! Get people to buy ADC – lend it out, listen to the soundtrack, make fanart, share my other stories/writings, help me schmooze agents and publishing houses, buy me a pizza, give or send a hug, take me to Europe! Well, maybe not the last one but you get it. Every little bit helps and is so incredibly appreciated.

Some people to thank that have helped make the last few weeks bearable:

Jaime Lynn Dill – you are a BEAST, truly one of the most hardworking women I know and have done so much to not only help me become a better author, but a better friend.

The Resistance – you know who you are. I love every single one of you. While we’re scattered about every which way, we have managed to find a little corner of the web and have made it a home, a family, a place where we are all safe and appreciated. [insert appropriate gif here]

The Spoobie Squad – Your endless confidence in me makes me cry. I love you three so much it hurts. Come April, *Liam Neeson voice* I will find you and I will hug you.

Lately, I have questioned my decisions and my talent as a writer. I have contemplated quitting a thousand times but I can’t. Even if it’s just for me, I can’t. There are too many worlds swimming around, unexplored. There are too many people wishing to be made real. I will soon rise up and get cracking on the keys again so please bear with me. This experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth but it’s been a learning experience and one that I will keep with me. It will make an eventual win that much sweeter. I will keep moving forward.

This is me, marching on.

xoxo
C

An ADC snippet in the works for Endever’s launch week!

Avid readers, fans of A Deathly Compromise, and my fellow Endeverites – in celebration of Endever’s official launch week and to keep this momentum/motivation/inspiration going while I have it, I’ve decided to write up a passage from ADC, a “deleted scene” if you will, but told from another character’s perspective. My question to you is – WHO is telling this short story?

Which character do you want to hear from the most?

Some options are:

  • Jones
  • Aria
  • Karma
  • Lux
  • The Duke
  • Evelyn

Or anyone else that I may not have thought of! Give me a challenge. 😉 Most votes win!

Updates from an exhausted author PLUS a holiday ADC short!

I feel terrible, truly.

I normally write whenever possible but some rather important and time consuming changes all seemed to happen at the same time as a release of A Deathly Compromise. While I’m eagerly waiting for print copies to be available before the next run of promotions, I figured I could take some time to finally update you all and flex my writing fingers.

In terms of big changes, my husband and I have a baby on the way (due in April) and we just purchased-and moved into!-our first house. Between those two huge things on their own and prepping for the holidays, I feel a bit like this cat:

tiredcat

(So when I say I feel terrible, know that it is not just emotional sentiment.)

Nevertheless, to quote the great Walt Disney, we keep moving forward. While we’re still technically living out of cardboard boxes, we managed to decorate for Christmas and are in joyous disbelief that the place is ours (we’ll just ignore the fact that it’s really the bank’s). And while 2016 was nothing short of tumultuous, 2017 will undoubtedly bring some much needed joy and I look forward to it. I promise to not be so neglectful to this little corner of the universe.

So now that things are settling down and I can finally scratch that author itch, I spewed out this quick little A Deathly Compromise short, just for the holidays. It’s not spoiler-free and will most likely not be included in the sequel, so let this just serve as the in-between snack of the holiday meals. Enjoy and hope you all have a safe and wonderful holiday!

-/-

Although it’s been said, many times, many ways.

I watched the television as if it were an animal documentary. George Michael and his fantastic hair frolicked across the screen, belting out his infamous tune over his lost Christmas love. I pulled the fur-lined rim of the Santa hat over my eyes.

“Oh, Georgie, who were you trying to fool?” I remarked out loud, catching a nasty glimpse from a waiting visitor. I ignored her, draping my legs over one side of the armchair while resting my head on the other. A shadow loomed over my body and without completely looking up, a small smile escaped the corner of my lips. I would know his presence anywhere. His soul stirred up flurries in my stomach. “Is that a candy cane in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

He laughed. He began searching for something in his pocket and for a moment, I questioned the seriousness of my proposition. Before I could stand, a green, red and white candy cane, with a split in the curve, landed on my chest.

“Tease,” I called him as my fingers worked to unwrap the unruly plastic.

“Bum,” he replied, gently removing the hat from my head.

A hiss erupted from my mouth. “The light…it burns us.”

“Get up, I want to show you something.”

“Fool me once, Lux…”

“There are cookies involved.”

I swung my legs and my boots planted themselves on the ground, my body sitting up at full attention, the candy cane between my index and middle finger like a 1920’s cigarette. “Next time, just go with that, darling. No need for foreplay.”

Lux rolled his eyes and turned, the glimmer from his clothes made annoyingly bright from the hospital lighting. I caught up to his pace, now smooth and effortless, not a hint of flawed life among the steps. “Nice outfit,” he remarked, noticing the rather jolly and lightly stained seasonal nurse scrubs I had been recently adorning.

“One must learn how to blend in with the peasant folk when one loses their cover. Didn’t you learn anything from James Bond?” I asked.

“Favorite?”

“Connery, of course. So cheeky, great in bed.” He glared. “Kidding!” I was definitely not kidding.

“I liked Roger Moore.”

I groaned as we turned the corner to the main lobby. “Ugh, you would.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the nearby janitor’s closet, his body providing the only illumination in the confined room. He held my arm and hand up, his other hand resting on the small of my back. “Close your eyes,” he whispered.

The moment felt fearfully similar to one of his last when he was alive. I obliged, my body leaning into his. The familiar warp of transporting sent shivers up my spine before it ended in an eerie calm. The frost of the night greeted me, soft flakes kissing my cheeks. The smell of hot chocolate wafted around us. My hips adjusted to the environmental shift before my body completely betrayed me and I fell to the floor. My head met ice. I looked up, Lux’s face holding back a laugh. He held out his hand but I smacked it away.

“Skates, it had to be skates!” I wobbled up, my hands bracing the ground between my legs while I straightened up.

“You just made Bambi look like he could do the moonwalk.”

“You….shut your mouth. Goddess of death here, not of grace.” My torso came up next, then my head, my hands rubbing up against legs for warmth. “Now, then…” I began to slip again but caught my balance with an arm spinwheel before I could fall back down the dreadful frozen earth. I huffed, the echo of fire from my eyes transparent in Lux’s. “You said…there were…cookies.”

He opened up the crook of his arm to allow mine to lace through it. “In a bit. They’re on the other side of the rink and we got a ways to go.”

“You couldn’t have just landed us on solid ground?”

“It’s about the journey, not the destination.”

“Have you been reading the verse of Jones lately? I feel like I’m talking to his parrot.”

He ignored my comments, the smile on his face never wavering. He guided me halfway down the frozen pond, looking around and stopping abruptly, about 20 yards from warmth and chocolate. His free hand reached for mine, turning me to face him. I was still in disbelief. It had been weeks now, yet my mind couldn’t fathom it. His fingers reached up to my face, pushing a loose lock of hair behind my ear. Fingertips trailed down the length of my jaw, his thumb landing on my chin. “Merry Christmas, Dee,” he whispered.

Before I could reply or fill in the space between us, he moved away, revealing the scene in front of me like a curtain. Disappointment turned into confusion before the faces and figures in the background sharpened. Amongst the bulk of snow jackets and dark colors, a familiar head with a lavender-colored knit cap erupted like a pleasant streak of lightning in the night.

Oh, what a year could do. She had grown like a weed in summer, perhaps a foot or more. Her smile was free of chains, loose breaths now residing between small bursts of laughter. Her mother and father were there, holding her hands, lifting her up and sending chips of ice into the air. My hands found themselves rubbing my arms up and down, recollecting her last embrace. Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown score came out on the speakers, the vocals of the children’s choir and soft piano keys settling softly in the air. “She’s…so happy,” I said under my breath.

“You did that,” Lux said, his voice suddenly joining in the reverie.

I shook my head. “No. No, she was always happy, in a way. Now she’s…”

“Joyous.”

“Yes, that. She’s, she’s certainly something.” I swallowed down a happy sob, determined not to make myself look like a fool in the middle of a crowd of children and agile adults. “Is she…?”

“She’s doing great, Dee. Perfectly healthy.”

“Good, that’s good,” I said quickly, my voice cracking. I let out a long exhale. “We better go before she sees me.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded emphatically, turning away and bracing myself for the last few feet between me and snow covered grass. He took my arm again and guided the way. We stood in line for hot chocolate and cookies, but I no longer had the urge. My eyes strayed toward Aria’s direction every couple of minutes, following the spot of lavender across the pond. I memorized her one more time, her muscles and limbs moving without restraint. When she was lifted into the air, the hem of her jeans rode up, revealing new rainbow socks. I laughed, silently wishing I could go back to being invisible. I could watch her all day. Lux handed me a mug of hot chocolate – cider for him – and placed his free hand back on my cheek, melting the snow on my face. I smiled at him, taking a bite of the cookie already in my grasp.

“Thank you,” I told him in sincerity, swallowing down the treat. He shrugged in the most Lux way possible, the remnants of cider now on his lips. I licked my own, trying to ignore the temptation. He was off limits now. I looped my arm through his once again and led the way back to the hospital grounds. A walk would do us both some good. Nevertheless, the warmth and joy from Aria’s laugh echoed in between us, melting away the cold of the evening. Some things were worth waiting for, worth sacrificing for. My cup toasted his as our steps found their synchronicity. “Merry Christmas, Lux.”

“I notice autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature.”

—a little Dee short on an autumn day, you can read A Deathly Compromise here

The rain hadn’t stopped in sixteen days, not that I minded. Each drop that landed on my lips tasted like autumn. In between curtains of downpour, I sat on the knoll and waited for the next band to come in from the sea. Soon enough, as the calendar pages decreased, the rain would turn to sleet then to snow. The wind was already slicing with bitterness.

What was so swell about winter, anyway? Everything was already dead. My work would be  done and I would get bored waiting for life to pop through the cement cracks again. No, autumn was the present, the best of it, the climax of war. Autumn killed, twisted, dried up and metamorphosed everything. If it didn’t die, it hid, waiting patiently for my grip to loosen. Death was very much alive, thank you very much.

A leaf had blown into my lap, its crisp, maple edges landing perfectly between drops. I picked it up by its stem, examining the creases and small holes. The green had been fading, the majority of the leaf a light amber. Its cycle was near its end. A small spark left my fingers, sending a ribbon of light through the stem and upwards to the veins. For a moment, the amber seemed to glow a deep, warm gold before it faded into orange, then crimson, then a dusty brown before curling up its blades into a burnt fossil.

I smiled, hardly enjoying it. It had already been dead.

You ruined it, you know.

“Go away.” I clapped the ash of the leaf against the leg of my pants.

It may have liked how it looked once it parted from its home, did you ever think about that?

“Oh, all the time.” I rolled my eyes and curled my legs up, my chin resting on the tops of my knees. The silence that followed was deafening. The wind picked up from the west and the voice followed.

Do you like it, Death? Ruining it all? Playing with your food?

I didn’t answer. Acid pooled in my mouth. I stared ahead and thought of the last time I was on this knoll – breaths catching and the early autumn sun. I thought I was a mess then. He didn’t.

Ignoring me, then. Ignoring the inevitable. Do you remember, Death? Do you remember how I led you across the world with your hand in mine, our smiles matching as you ate it all away?  

My knuckles were bruising black, flakes of ash flying away from them. I kept my fingers tight to my palm, the nails cutting away into the creases of skin.

What woke you, puppet? You’re back in your disguise now. This skin is not what it used to be. It’s used up. It’s ruined. I’d much rather have you in your natural state, a shadow. My shadow.

“Enough,” I growled, extra teeth breaking through. The wind had ceased, the flow of life hanging in midair as if the winter had come early to freeze it. My hand had made its way to my side, the tip of my finger touching an upturned root of a nearby tree.  Slowly, as if gravity were taking a holiday, the leaves of the tree had begun to fall. They were floating down like a soft snow, suspended and taking their time to meet the ground, as if they wanted nothing to do with me. As they fell, they changed their colors, the small bit of sunlight shining on them like corners of a prism.
Amber to gold to orange to red to crimson.
Then brown.

As they reached the crown of my head, they all began to wither, the blades folding tightly  inward, mimicking my fingers from seconds before. I opened up my palm, letting one fall in between my fortune lines. The moment it touched my skin, all of the leaves turned to ash, blowing away in a western gust.

It was quiet but my ears were still ringing.

A small nudge poked my shoulder and my black beast pushed his nose between my arm and side. “It’s alright, Cerb. Just the wind.” His eyes gave the softest glow of a cerulean blue before fading back to black. He sat on his belly, his paws facing forward, his ears swiveling to catch any disturbance. He let out a loud sigh. It was merely for show. He was more energy than life, more dead than alive.

He was both. I was both (well, perhaps more with one than the other). While the promise of winter was on the horizon, while the whispers hung dangerously over my shoulders, I relished in the autumn. Autumn was the picturesque landscape of limbo, both alive and dead at the same time, waiting for my instructions.

It wouldn’t all be ash.

Most would cover up, hide, attempt to keep warmth in their bones, wait it all out until the nuisance of spring. I wouldn’t ruin it. No, I would set it all free, it was just a matter of waiting.  

my songs know what you did in the dark.

A little A Deathly Compromise sequel drabble, featuring Dark Dee. 🙂
Recommended listening

—————————

His voice whispered in and out and all around me as if his body were smoke, small clouds of horrific interference that permeated through the notes in my headphones.

“It feels good, doesn’t it? Imagine how much more you can consume. Imagine the taste of them.” The end notes were hisses in the jungles of Eden.

My chest heaved, my fingertips fiddling with the item in my palm. It felt heavy despite its size. The staccato release of my breath was all it took to convince him. I felt his hands plant themselves on my shoulders, the bony phalanges scraping against skin. The rest of him hid in the dark.  My eyes focused in front of me at the building ahead. Smoke rose in pillars escaping to the stars. The dim light of fire came in through some of the windows, shadows of hands and heads and torsos reaching out for help and trying to escape. My lips twitched. What would they think of me, now? What would Lux think?

“They’re waiting for you. They can’t wait for you to take them home. Don’t make them suffer, darling.”

“Don’t want them to suffer,” I rasped, my voice not entirely my own. I flinched, my ear leaning down into my shoulder at the wrong sound of it all. His fingers closed even tighter on my frame. “I–I don’t know if I can anymore.”

I could feel a finger pull out an earbud. “Tsk tsk, my dear. Don’t you know that you are the one that they want? They adore you. They want to be with you. It’s much more than some, more than anyone really, except me of course. I’ve always appreciated you.”

“I want–”

“Yes?” His head leaned in, his breath toxic and addicting and everything in between. It wove tales of giants and gladiators and lightning in the dark.

“I want–” I was struggling to find breath, to find the muscles to unplug the hold he had. I closed my eyes, listening to the screams that seemed to be miles away. It mixed in with my own rationale,  tucked away in that burning building. I reached out a hand to her, to this past, rational self, stretching every line of skin to make it to the door. Her eyes were pleading with this new creature that stood in front of her, this thing that used to be me and was slowly dissolving. I smiled at her begging and slammed the door to that thought, creating darkness once more. I opened my eyes and opened my hand.

It was a small switch, with two solitary buttons. The red one was inviting and warm. I pressed it, watching the fire envelope all around in a blast. I felt suspended there, the pressure of the explosion and the extreme heat not touching a hair on my head. The fire cried out in ecstasy, releasing plumes of black and gray into the atmosphere. A loud groaning echoed through the street. The building had endured enough. It began to collapse into itself, the brick and mortar and concrete finally becoming victims of gravity.

The screams stopped a few seconds after. I tasted copper and iron on my lips.

I flinched again, realizing that the bony hands were gone. A whisper still lingered asking, in a deceivingly sanguine tone, “What do you want?”

The headphones dropped to the floor,  my boot crunching them as I turned away.  “I want them all.”